Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
