Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
