SEEEEXXX PLEASE
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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