you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
