yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
