Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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