I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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