oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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