If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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