so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
