Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
