I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
