For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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