allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
