Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
