I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
