So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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