I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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