Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize