i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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