maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
