this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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