He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize