the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize