I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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