if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
