soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
