Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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