I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
