who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
