Plan B is the new Plan A
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
