She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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