**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
