I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize