just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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