I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
