I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
