I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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