I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
