I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
