Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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