Jerry, you need to find god
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
