I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
