Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
