I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Randomize
