I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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