watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Girls should come with a carfax report
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
