I'm gonna have a badass scar
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
