Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
