if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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