nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
