Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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