you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Found the puke drawer
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
