I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
