She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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