the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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